shake paranoia

I get angry when I’m afraid.

Not my icy kind of anger.  No, that’s reserved for more genuine injustices in the world.  I mean the downright, take-me-by-the-fists-and-start-punching-and-running kind of anger.  Normal, even kind comments become an insult as soon as they reach my brain.

It’s a miserable conviction to realize fully.  It’s easy enough to see in hindsight, after you blow up at Person A over what they said, that you felt threatened.  Your self-imposed dignity, your history with that person, everything in your heart screams that “NO! YOU CAN’T BE RIGHT ABOUT ME! I’M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON!”

Continue reading shake paranoia


jar & summering comes

I have an adventure jar full of coins on my dresser.

Well, technically it isn’t /full/, but it does have coins. Most are loose change, a few are pennies my boyfriend hid for me, and a quite a good number are parking lot finds.

This is my adventure jar, for when the day a traveling adventure spontaneously takes me along with it. I don’t know how much money is in there: sometimes I sort the coins by type, without counting, when the urge takes me.

Continue reading jar & summering comes

solar theory

today I’m looking by way of the sunlight through my window, and the concentrated heat of electric power is soaking into my lower back. how do tiny whirling atoms make a concentrated current that can, sometimes, give off light when run through a thin wire inside a rounded glass circus? why does a lightbulb give off heat and light?

light is something scientists can’t understand. it does not calculate. the universe is made of particles or waves, and light is defiant like a bucking colt, motion and brilliance in a form too fast to catch.

Continue reading solar theory

He builds my bridges

Auguri di buon anno.  August always felt like a new year for me. maybe because I associate living and dying with the sweltering that is a Georgia summer. August has always felt like my New Years, full of upheaval and change and the rapid stringing together of events. January is my turnaround, my spin. It feels like a new door, ianus, just a few months after beginning to plough again (tell me school is no harvest, and I will laugh for you: harvests do come). January is cold, ice and snow and the sky that I take for granted sometimes. It’s after the rememberum that is December, the mulling of the advent Story like hot cider being pressed. It’s when the stories begin to glisten again, and maybe that’s why I love to write on New Year’s Eve. the anticipation to the count, the sacrificing of irritations for delight (hopefully), and the moments hanging above before they come spiraling down like a glittering globe of fireflies and songs.

January is my door.  I like to look through it before I start walking.  Something I tell myself when I build expectations is to never bank on the second semester being easier. Change does not equivocate easy in any shopping center. I’m pulling out of my August haze, though, to grasp at this thought.

The forests are green and swaying, full of spanish moss, sycamores and pines. I have a thousand trees I love to dash to from my perch, full of excitement and energy. It’s a maze, a race, and an obstacle course perfect for a sprinter.  I’ve imagined this story a thousand times, and it is full of splender-web bridges, jumps and leaps across layers and over gaps until your feet, shod or not, hit traction and you can fly again with adventure for wings.  I played it while flying on a swing, or when the ice and snow came, all in my thoughts.

Through all the chasing and falling to be saved and laughing, He has built my bridges.  Now I live in a cityscape, but there are still bridges and lights to chase.  Still, when I forget something like water and I’m running in circles, He’ll carry me.  I know that.  What I want to remember what keeps the wood and ropes, the glass and concrete solid as the hours are spent.

golden hour expanse
Ha ha! to the old year
Goodbye to the cold fear
Gonna cry when I need it, smile when I need it
Goodbye, denial
-Eric Peters

[Photo by Dan Taylor on Flickr.]

Creaking Floorboards

“Why did you come here for, anyway?”
“I love old things.  They make me feel sad.”
“What’s good about sad?”
“It’s happy for deep people.”  [Doctor Who, “Blink.”]

So true.

I have a friend who has lived in more than 5 countries for substantial amounts of time.  I can’t claim anything close to that, but we both know, if on different levels, the same thing.

Continue reading Creaking Floorboards